On Frogs and Foxes
by Miss Madd
Summary: Jiraiya is a scientist researching the mating rituals of frogs in Urban areas trying to outdo his rival. Too bad he’s busy trying to keep himself from smacking his new little helper… who is, apparently, a nympho. AU Lemons, Limes, JirNaru
1. Chapter 1

**On Frogs and Foxes**

**By: Madd Envy Freak**

**Summary: Jiraiya is a scientist doing research on the mating rituals of frogs in Urban areas trying to out-do his rival, Orochimaru, and the snake-man's assistant, Sasuke. Too bad he's busy trying to keep himself from smacking his new little helper… who is too damn sexy for his own good. And the brat knows it, too. Jiraiya/Naruto; one-sided SasuNaru (no, there will NOT be OrochiSasu. That just weirds me out. Lol)**

**---**

"This is ridiculous," Naruto muttered to himself as he looked around the plain station, shifting his bag higher up on his shoulder.

The professor he was supposed to be here studying with was over an hour late, and it was getting dark outside. Tsunade had assured him many times that the white-haired man (Jiraiya, was it?) would be here on time, and that he wouldn't need to travel the big, bad city streets of Tokyo alone…

Not that he was scared of the city, or anything.

Hell, Naruto Uzumaki wasn't afraid of _anything _after living in New York!

It's just that a hot little specimen like himself tended to end up in alleyways raped and dead in big foreign cities like this. Anyone who watched the travel channel knew that.

Yeah, he wasn't modest, he knew he was a tasty little fuck.

And, shit, he didn't want to be ass-raped, thank you very much.

Alas, the great gods of strife and misery were after him that week, so he was forced to venture out into the dark in search of the mysterious Emperor's Dragon Hotel on his own.

---

As he suspected, it had taken a grand total of ten minutes and thirty-three seconds to be cornered in an alley by a bunch of ugly, smelly thugs.

Not that he was gloating, or anything.

Damn his good looks.

"Gives all yous money, bitch."

Wow, the bastard spoke pretty good smack-English for being a street thug in Japan. Go figure.

"Shit, I'm a fuckin' college student--I _HAVE_ no money, jackass." (A/N: So, so true… I feel your pain, Naruto…)

Of course, him and his big mouth… maybe he really would be raped tonight?

---

Jiraiya looked up at the hotel bar's ceiling as he blinked. What was he forgetting? Shrugging to himself, he took another sip of his sake, letting the liquid heat rush through his body.

"Well well… If it isn't Jiraiya…"

Twitching, the white haired man turned to glare at his long time rival/stealer of grant money, Orochimaru, and his cocky, smirking, bastard of an assistant, Sasuke. Well, one of his cocky, smirking, bastards of assistants, anyway.

"What the hell do you want, bastard?" he growled out.

"Now now, Jiraiya, is that any way to talk to an old friend?"

"Friend my ass, you traitor."

"Still bitter, Jiraiya? You haven't changed at all."

God, he hated that bastard's snake-like smirk.

"Too bad I can say the same for you."

"So, old man," Jiraiya twitched at the dark haired boy as he smirked down at him over his nose, "Orochimaru-sensei told me you were getting an assistant of your own, finally. He must be the dead last of the class, to get stuck with y--"

Sasuke, however, never got to finish that sentence as his head was grabbed from behind and slammed onto the counter by a thoroughly pissed off blonde haired beauty.

---

It had taken Naruto a grand total of five minutes and sixteen seconds to beat the crap out of his would-be muggers. Apparently, muggers only knew Karate and other funky Japanese fighting shit in the movies.

Fuck for them.

Adjusting his orange coat collar, he smirked down at the pile of bodies and drawled, "You just got your asses handed to you by Uzumaki Naruto--remember it, bitches"

Never mess with a hot, bad-ass New York street punk.

After that enlightening episode, it had taken him an additional eight minutes and fifteen seconds (but, hey, whose counting?) to make it to the friggin hotel. Another five minutes trying to find someone who spoke English (and didn't ignore him, which he supposed most of them were doing), and get them to tell him where the old man was.

Of course, it only made his day shittier when he finally did find the old guy. At least the guy with the black hair was kind of hot--

"Orochimaru-sensei told me you were getting an assistant of your own, finally. He must be the dead last of the class, to get stuck with y--"

FUCK no. That bitch did NOT just call him a dead-last. That little fuck-ass was going DOWN.

And down he did go, with a bloody nose. Heh.

"Who you callin' dead-last, bastard?"

--------------------

Yeah… really short chapter… sorry. nn;; this was just the first one, the others will hopefully be longer… I just wanted to get the idea out of my head b4 it started festering or something…


	2. Chapter 2

_**On Frogs and Foxes**_

_**By: Madd Envy Freak**_

_**Chapter Two: Uzumaki Does Tokyo**_

_**A/N: Yes, that was a cheap, dirty play on the 'Daisy Does Dallas' porno. LOL your authoress is a perv, sorry. ; )**_

_**And Naruto will use English insults, as he's American. Sasuke, however, will use Japanese since he IS Japanese. **_

_**---**_

Jiraiya had never seen anything more amazing in his life--even a naked Tsunade didn't come remotely close to this! Some random blonde haired, blue eyed, and obviously American kid just came out of nowhere and smashed Uchiha Sasuke's face against the counter. The same Uchiha Sasuke that he wanted very much to give a good spanking too... and not in the perverted way, either.

That damn kid was one spoiled little shit.

Orochimaru, however, looked anything but awed.

He looked down right pissed.

And, Jiraiya thought as he swallowed the rest of his Sake, it was such a lovely look on him.

"You little brat, how dare--"

"Shut the FUCK up, Bastard!"

Jiraiya grinned as he leaned back in his chair. He wondered who this kid was. Something told him he looked familiar... it was that same damned nagging in the back of his mind that told him he was forgetting something...

Oh well, Fuck it. He ordered another Sake.

"I waste over an hour of my fucking time waiting for some dumb ass to pick me up form the FUCKING plane station! And on my way here, you know what? I nearly got FUCKING MUGGED. This bitch is lucky I didn't smash up his face, believe it!"

Believe it? Awwww, what a cute catchphrase!

"Why, you impudent little--"

"WHAT PART OF 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' DO YOU NOT GET, YOU DUMB ASS SNAKE FUCK?? This is **_NARUTO_** time, meaning you SHUT UP and listen!"

Jiraiya grinned behind his newly acquired glass and glanced at his nemesis's assistant... who looked torn between being awed by the utterly adorableness of the blond and pissed at him for hitting him. About time someone put that little punk in his place.

He only wished his assistant would be that cute...

Oh well. He finished his drink and ordered yet another. Mentally, he wished he had popcorn as he watched the vicious (yet so molestable) blond verbally assault the other two-very efficiently in fact.

"--and if you ever call me dead last again I'll kick your ass! Believe it!" The blond finished his tirade by slamming his hands against the counter and giving the other two a vicious glare.

Apparently, Sasuke didn't take the threat seriously.

Poor, poor misguided fool.

"Tch, dobe."

Sasuke Uchiha didn't even have the time to blink before a fist was slammed in his face... and he was knocked off the stool onto the floor. All across the bar, Sasuke Uchiha's fangirls cried in agony at seeing their beloved so easily defeated-and others wondered how the HELL such a loud idiot could actually land a hit on the well-known black belt...

Jiraiya was one of the latter. Too bad he wasn't taking notes--that hit would have been perfect for a breakup scene in his novel...

The feisty blonde smirked down at his victim as he crouched over him, shoving his middle finger in his face, "The name's Naruto Uzumaki, remember it," he paused for a moment and decided to tack on a, "BITCH!" for effect. Pushing himself up and away from the punk, he brushed his shoulders off and turned to look at Jiraiya with a dark glower, "Come on, you good-for-nothing drunk."

Jiraiya blinked through the foggy haze as the blond grabbed his arm roughly and began dragging him away from the shock stricken dark haired men.

Now he remembered what he forgot!

The older man grinned and hooked an arm around the other with a perverse grin, "Sorry, kid, but I've got to go pick up my new assistant. My room number is 213 if you want to wait for me though."

---

Naruto felt a vain twitch just below his left eye. First, the old fuck forgets to pick him up. Then, he gets mugged. Next, he has to beat up some dumb shit.

NOW the old geezer was making a pass on him, "YOU DUMB ASS!" he snarled, elbowing him over the head, "I AM your new fucking assistant! The old hag Tsunade sent me!"

"...You're Naruto Uzumaki?"

Damn, the twitch was coming back. The drunk was looking at him blankly, and his hand was... On. His. ASS.

"Yes, I'm Uzumaki! I just fucking SAID that! And get your hand off my ass, you old pervert!

"I'm not a pervert!"

"The hell you aren't! Tsunade told me about those trash book you write, and you're trying to feel me up, you pervert!"

"I am NOT a pervert!" Jiraiya insisted.

"Yes you are, you perverted old HERMIT!"

"I AM NO PERVERT, BRAT! I AM JIRAIYA, WRITER OF ICHA ICHA PARADISE--SUPER PERVERT!"

...holy fuck. The dude admitted to being a pervert.

---

Jiraiya was laughing his ass off, "You sat there for an hour?"

"Yeah, you dumb ass!" Naruto snapped as he shrugged his shirt off and proceeded to dig through his bag for something to sleep in, "I didn't know where the hell anything was, and no one gave me your cell phone number! God, the janitor guy kept staring at my ass the entire time! Is everyone in this country a pervert?"

Chuckling, the older man watched the aggravated youth stomp around their shared hotel room (he was sorry to say, which had two beds) as he leaned back against his headboard.

After spending the past three months on traditional Japanese futons, he was thankful to have a real western styled bed. Thankful indeed.

"And, shit, do all Japanese people hate Americans? I mean, fuck, those people at the hotel help desk gave me the dirtiest fucking looks! What the hell crawled up their asses...?" Naruto muttered as he pulled something onto his head...

Jiraiya blinked.

"Oi, brat."

"What, pervert?"

"Is that a seal?"

"No! It's a walrus!"

"..."

"Stop looking at me like that, you old pervert!"

"I'm not old!"

"All of your hair is gray!"

"It's not gray! It's light silver, damn it!"

"Silver my ass!"

"Brat!"

"Pervert!"

Jiraiya couldn't help but think, as the blond turned away with a would-be-glower (which looked more like a pout), that he was still incredibly molestable. Hmmm... he would make a good character in Icha Icha Paradise...

"...Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Huh? What? Oh, nothing! Hohoho!"

Naruto edged away slowly, suddenly fearing for his sanity (and virginity... well, if he had any to actually fear losing).

---

Naruto Uzumaki was dreaming. It had to be a dream, right? Seriously. He was NOT sitting in the hotel room, alone, after having searched everywhere for that damn perverted old man. Nope. He was sleeping. And this was all a dream.

And he would wake up...

NOW!

...ok... NOW!

...Fuck.

Groaning, he scratched his head in bemusement as he looked around the room, attempting to figure out where the hell the old man could have gone off to--how far could one old pervert have gotten without a cane or walker or something, right?

Sighing, he shook his head and stretched. Well, it wasn't _his_ fault if they were late. Grinning cheekily to himself, he sauntered to the radio in the corner of the room and popped in his favorite CD mix... turning to his favorite song, he hit the repeat button. He had time for a shower, too, right?

Yup. So, he headed to the bathroom--deciding to raid the old man's shampoo on the way.

He had _nice_ smelling hair.

And he only had to sneak into the pervert's bed that night to figure it out. Not that he was perving or anything...

Was it so wrong that he likes to cuddle?

No, he didn't think so.

Especially if it lead to more fondling. Heh. Old man probably didn't know he knew. The hermit (as dubbed by Tsunade) may be a pervert... but he, Naruto Uzumaki, was one too! HAHA!

---

When Jiraiya had woken up that morning, it had been to a mop of blond hair with a tan body attached. Of course, the part he really noticed was the fact that the tan body was spread over him like a fucking blanket.

Not that he was complaining over the fact that a hot young blond decided to lay on him.

He was rather enjoying it, actually.

Grinning to himself, he let his hands wander down the cotton clad sides of the boy's shirt and around to fondle his firm backside, slipping under his boxers to do so. What Tsunade deemed his 'lecher face' snuck its way over his features as he kneaded the flesh there, and he wondered if Naruto was tan here, as well.

Yup.

Kukuku... Tsunade would so kill him if she found out he was molesting his new assistant.

OUCH! WHAT THE HELL!

Did that kid just BITE him? Glancing down at the face snuggling against his neck, he froze and waited to see if the blond was actually awake... Shit, that would NOT be good. Luckily for him the kid still seemed to be asleep.

Wait... Tsunade...

SHIT. He was supposed to call the old hag.

She was going to kill him.

---

_Do it now_

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals_

_So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_

_Do it again now_

_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals_

_So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_

_Gettin' horny now_

Jiraiya wasn't a religious man. Nor did he believe in luck, or other superstitious nonsense. However, when he came back to his hotel to see his new, fuckable assistant strutting around, wet, in a towel to the song Bad Touch... he mentally dropped to his knees and thanked whatever god was up there for suddenly loving him.

On the outside, his jaw dropped and a trail of blood tricked from his nose as he gave the kid two thumbs up, "TEN OUTTA TEN!"

Naruto threw a hairbrush at him.

---------------------------------------------------

Next chapter: A day doing research of various types.


	3. Chapter 3

On Frogs and Foxes

by: Madd Envy Freak

Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't make anything writing these... well, nothin but the cool imaginary offerings my reviewers leave meh. XD

A/N: Just gotta say thanks for all the reviews, guys. When I get down on myself and depressed, I go and read them... and I feel betters! THANKIES! I love you guys to death!

A/N 2: LONG LIVE THE PERVERTS! WOOT!

-cough- on with the story. :)

---

Chapter Three: The Ninja Art of Blackmail.

---

When Naruto and Jiraiya had finally managed to get to the laboratory, they were a good hour late. Well, an hour, fifty-five minutes, and thirty-two seconds to be exact. Not that they were counting.

Orochimaru was.

"Do you know how late you are, Jiraiya? We've been waiting to start this meeting for one hour, fifty-five minutes, and thirty-two seconds..." Naruto watched in mild disgust as a snake-like leer flashed over the pale face, "we don't have forever to wait for you, after all. Perhaps Tsunade's time and money would be better placed in another team?"

_Man, he needs to get laid, _Naruto thought in disgust.

Then again, who would want to? Seriously! The man was all snaky... and shit. Ewww.

"Lay off, it's not the old man's fault."

Several pairs of eyes turned to leer at the blond as he draped himself in a random chair by the long table, "Well then, Naruto-kun, whose fault is it?"

Slowly, Naruto turned to face the pale, smirking youth that had questioned him. Haha. Loser still had a black eye.

"Mine. Sorry, beating up lame ass idiots like you makes me horny--I think the old man threw his back out sometimes between the fifth and seventh rounds..." Naruto sighed dejectedly and flashed them an innocent smile.

Sasuke and the snaky bastard sputtered and choked on their words, looking scandalized.

Jiraiya was laughing his head off.

"Really though," Naruto went on, winking at the white haired man, "he was pretty good. You wouldn't expect it from his old age, you know? But, damn, can he work those fingers," Sasuke and Orochimaru looked like they wanted to die, "on _your ass."_

Jiraiya stopped laughing and immediately sobered up. Ah, it was moments like these that Naruto loved, being the devious little prankster he was. The man looked like he wanted to run away and plead innocence to Tsunade. Innocence... yeah, right.

Coughing, the blushing older man looked around the room before taking a seat next to his young assistant, "Alright, everyone, we needed to start this meeting, so, lets get on with it."

---

_That meeting was completely and utterly pointless,_ Naruto thought to himself flatly as he followed after the old man, who was on the verge of running away from the overly happy and hyper teenager.

It wasn't until they got back to their hotel room did Jiraiya turn to him, pale in the face, "So, you know, eh?"

Naruto looked up with an innocent smile from heating up his ramen in the mini-microwave, "Know what, old man?"

The old man was sweating now.

Heh heh heh.

Naruto could almost picture some evil foxy-demon thing in his mind cackling like a maniac on crack.

But that was just silly.

"What happened this morning."

"Ano, something happened this morning, pervert?"

Sputtering.

Muahaahaha. He was such a baaaad person; too bad for the old man his awkward and uncomfortable stammering was so fetching on him. Naruto plastered on his most innocent face and cocked his head to the side, "Pervert?"

"N-nothing happened this morning! HAHA! Nothing at all!"

The devious blonde smirked eerily to himself as the old man hurried away to the other side of the room to dig out his sketchbook, blabbering about taking notes for research.

Naruto had to admit, he had **_mad_** ninja blackmailing skillz.

---

Jiraiya sighed heavily to himself as he sat down in front of his favorite frog's cage.

Gamabunta.

He wasn't just an ordinary frog, he swore on that. This frog was fucking SMART. It also helped that it was some kind of giant mutant frog... literally. A grin tugged its way across his face as he recalled the day five years ago that he had stumbled across the enlarged amphibian.

Orochimaru and his evil snake were second class _that_ day.

HA!

"Oi, pervert, what's that?"

Noooooo! The object of his perverted and impure thoughts (like he had any other kinds) was crouching next to him, cocking an eyebrow curiously at the frog. And if this kid did know what he did that morning... Shit, he could get his perverted ass fired!

"It's a frog, gaki."

That's it, play duuuumb.

"No shit, dumb _ass_."

Ass.

Ass.

FUCKING ASS. Damn you, libido, you made me grab his butt, didn't you? Now we're going to be fired because of you! We'll have to go back to flipping burgers at McDonalds (mmm... that sounds good right about now...)!

"Alright, kid, what do you want?"

Innocent eyes.

Oh god, he DID know. This evil kid was blackmailing him.

DAMN YOU LIBIDO!

"What ever do you mean, old man?"

UGH.

"You know very well what I mean, brat. You know I was molesting you! So, what do you want from me to keep you quiet?"

The innocent look was back. And it was back full force.

The blonde pushed himself up off the floor and strolled back towards the door, humming. _Humming_ for Gods' sake. He was going to lose his job and this little brat was... fucking... humming!

Now he understood why Tsunade always said never to judge a book by its cover. This kid may look all cute and cuddly, but he was evil.

EVIL.

The blonde stopped at the doorway and put a finger to his lips in thought, "What do I want... hmmmm..."

Jiraiya gulped.

God hated him again.

And handed him into the hands of the devil itself.

"Nothing!"

...eh?

"...eh?"

"Well, if you really want me to make demands, molest me when I'm actually not half asleep next time, damn it!" The blonde turned to him with a wink, jutting his hips out to the side and balancing his hand on it, "You're pretty hot, for an old pervert."

And he left.

It took Jiraiya a good ten minutes of starting at him and getting spit on by the giant frog for what the boy said to finally sink in. When it did, he couldn't stop himself from laughing.

Orochimaru's assistant was an arrogant, cocky brat.

His was a hyperactive, cocky, manipulative sex-fiend.

Sasuke was a prude.

Naruto was, apparently, a nympho.

In his overly perverted opinion, he SO won the assistant war.

HAHA snake-bastard!

Jiraiya sniffed, looking up at the ceiling with starry eyes, God really DID love him.

---------------

End of Chapter (finally... dies lol)

Next chapter: Hot springs...


	4. Chapter 4

_**On Frogs and Foxes**_

_**By: Madd Envy Freak**_

_**A/N: hey, ya'll. Wow, I'm on an updating roll this week. BAM! lol **_

_**Well, you're authoress is sick. Yuss, sick. DAMN HAY FEVERS! sniffle sniffle So, be grateful I'm updating... sneeze**_

_**Uuuuuung. Xx**_

_**---**_

_**Chapter Four: Hot Spring Me Up, Babeh**_

_**WARNING: HOT SPRING LIMES COMING UP. If you aren't 18, don't read. (Like anyone listens to that... Tch (I sure as hell didn't! HA!) )**_

_**---**_

Naruto liked to think he had mad ninja skillz. He was silent, he was deadly, and he was mysterious...

He was being FUCKING **_stalked_**!

A slender golden eyebrow twitched as he ducked, stealthily, into an empty hallway and plastered himself against the wall, eyes narrowing. Looking covertly around the corner, he eyed the black haired boy that was attempting to follow him without being seen.

Ha, like he could pull off that stealthy ninja shit. Psh. N00b.

And who wore round sunglasses anymore? Man, that was like, the stereotypical stalker apparel.

Loser.

Edging back away from the wall, he tiptoed towards the bar on the far end of the hall, glancing back repeatedly--earning himself several stares. Wrapping his tanned fingers around the edge of the door, he slid it open and slipped inside, gently closing the rice paper covered frame behind him.

Rice paper.

Way stupid.

One good bar fight and that wall would be GONE.

Did they even have bar fights over here?

He hoped so.

He hadn't seen any in a while.

Maybe he should start one? He didn't have anything else better to do, after all...

Meh, ramen first, then mass destruction.

Yups.

Mmmmmm... ramen...

Wait... this was Japan, and Japan was like ramen central! Naruto's eyes widen and he could almost feel himself drool as he plopped down into an empty stool. He could get some bad ass ramen here!

This place was heaven!

"Ah, Uzumaki."

Awwww, shiiiiiit. The stalker found him.

"Sasuke-bastard, didn't see you there."

"Hn."

Naruto glanced up at the ceiling and glared.

Stupid God. Bastard hated him. Why won't the annoying, stuck-up jerk go awaaaaaay? And why the HELL didn't his mad ninja avoidance skillz work?

"I think we got off on the wrong foot, Uzumaki."

More like wrong leg, bastard.

"I 'spose."

"So, perhaps you would be interested in comparing notes with Orochimaru-sensei and I?"

...Notes... eh-heh-heh-heh. The evil gears in Naruto's mind started turning at a rapid (almost violently so) pace as he slowly turned to the smirking Uchiha with a vicious grin, eyes narrowing until they took on a near demonic-tinge, "Sure, Sasuke. How about tonight? Bathhouse, nine?"

Sasuke nodded, that condescending 'I have more money and suave shit than you could ever hope to have' smirk still slapped in place, "Of course. I shall see you there, Na-ru-to."

Ewww... Did he just purr? Creepy!

Shaking his head, he pushed himself up from the stool and wandered over to wherever the perverted old man had gone off to.

He had evil little plans to put into motion, after all.

Beware the evil ninja!

---

"I'm researching, kid. Go away."

"Old man, it's a public bathhouse! And they aren't separated... you can just go right in!" Naruto retorted, twitching. If the old man wouldn't go in, all his well thought out, deviant plans would go to waste!

"If I go in, they won't act naturally! Dumb kid..."

...Moron old man.

"Come on, old man, I have an idea."

Bored eyes looked up at him and a white eyebrow raised, "What?"

The evil grin was back as Naruto stripped and nabbed a towel, throwing a second at Jiraiya, "You want to get in there and have them act naturally, right? Well then, follow me!"

Obviously suspicious, Jiraiya obeyed and followed into the co-ed bathhouse. (A/N: Rare, but yes, they do have them!)

"Hello, ladies!" Naruto chirped as he shoved Jiraiya into the water, getting surprised, confused looks from the several women in the small spring. And Jiraiya.

"I hope you don't mind us intruding," Naruto began with a warm smile as he settled onto Jiraiya's lap, "but that damned ex-boyfriend of mine was in the other bathhouse..."

Again, Jiraiya blinked dumbly.

Ah, poor un-devious man. Didn't understand the greatness that was Naruto's plot.

"...Are you two, uh, together?" One of the women asked, blushing.

Naruto nodded vigorously and cuddled Jiraiya affectionately, "Five months now."

"That is so sweet!"

"Awwww! You look so cute together!"

"Don't they! AWWWW!"

And, finally, Jiraiya understood.

The key to getting into a group of women... grab a hot blonde kid and claim you're gay.

God sent him the most brilliant creature on the face of the planet.

---

Naruto sighed heavily once the damned women were finally gone. Glancing at his watch, a sporty new waterproof version his guardian Iruka had given him, he found that he had about five minutes to get the steam going in here before Sasuke and Orochimaru came.

Heh heh heh.

He glanced over at the perverted old man as he rambled on about excellent researching skills and rolled his eyes. He would never understand what the hermit man ever saw in women. They were moody, complained about sex, cranky, and... freakishly soft and squishy. And so loose and wet. It was nasty.

See? He could honestly hate having sex with women, because he actually did once... and vowed to never do it again.

Men on the other hand... they were yummy. Running a pink tongue over dark lips, he smirked predatorily as he sunk into the water and stalked/swam over to the older man. Men were all muscle, and hard line...

Heh heh... and other hard things.

He mentally giggled at his own perverseness.

Hey, was that Jaws music playing in the other room?

Oh well, he'll just blame it on Kakashi. Yup.

"Oi, Jiraiya..." Naruto purred as he slithered up onto the man's lap, rubbing their chests together.

Beady eyes blinked, "What are you doing, gaki?"

Naruto chuckled and ran his tongue over Jiraiya neck, husking out into his ear, "I want you... _bad_."

...Bingo. Houston, we have lifted off!

Perverts were so predictable.

Wrapping his legs around the older man's waist, he roughly pressed their throbbing erections together.

Long, pale fingers skimmed down his chest and sides, settling on his firm backside once again. Well, the old man sure had a thing for his ass. Not that he was complaining. The old man had magic fingers, he would swear it! Pushing his fingers through silky white hair (he never did find that damned shampoo), he gripped the locks roughly and brought their mouths together, shifting his hips and pressing himself closer.

Damn, that felt _good_.

A hot, wet tongue forced its way into his mouth and he let out a loud groan when a finger brushed up against his opening. Bucking his hips back against the hand, urging the finger to go further, he smirked when his silent demand was met. Skilled hands gently pushed past the tight rim of muscles, prodding against the walls as Naruto quickened their grinding hips.

Pulling away, Jiraiya growled against soft lips, "They didn't lock the door, brat."

"I know, old man... Exciting, isn't it?" Naruto purred back, winking.

---

Sasuke gave the women peeking into the bathhouse an odd look as he and Orochimaru walked past them.

Women were such weird things.

And creepy stalkers.

Not that he himself would know anything about stalking...

Right.

Anyway.

He had a date with a molestable blond haired idiot to worry about. Adjusting his robe as Orochimaru rolled his eyes at his preening, he nodded once. He was ready to seduce and woo!

Tonight he would have himself a piece of that Uzumaki ass!

"If you are quite done now, Sasuke, they're waiting."

Sasuke ignored the old man. Stupid snake freak... If he didn't need a way to escape his America-bound fan club, he would drop that moron in a second. Someone as beautiful as himself shouldn't be seen with the likes of Orochimaru.

Plastering on his smirk, he slid open the door, "We're here, Uzumaki--"

Tow sets of eyes bugged out upon entering and seeing Naruto and Jiraiya... naked, on each other, and obviously... fucking.

Orochimaru turned away, a hand held firmly over his nose as he walked out.

Cocky blue eyes met black over Jiraiya's broad shoulders and the blonde smirked as the raven-haired man blushed and quickly turned heel to leave.

"Saaaasuke, I thought you wanted to compare notes with us! You'll never learn to have gay sex right if you don't leeeeaaaarn!"

Slamming the door shut, Sasuke panted, eyes wide and near bulging.

Naked Naruto... naked Naruto...

Dear God, there was perfection on earth.

The women in the corner (now Sasuke understood, damned yaoi addicts!) giggled uncontrollably as they scampered off to leave the stricken duo.

"Sasuke-kun..."

"Y-Yeah?" Sasuke stammered, looking up at the pale snake hermit who was... bleeding through the nose?

"Why can't you be more like Naruto-kun...?"

Sasuke scowled and adjusted his robe, pushing himself to stand upright, "Pervert," he hissed, stalking away from the still drooling and bleeding old man.

---

Naruto was laughing his ass off as Jiraiya sat, horror-struck.

"Did-Did you see their faces?!" he blonde cackled, rolling side to side with the force of his laughter.

Jiraiya stared.

His assistant was not only a nympho...

But he got off on causing other's sexual discomfort, too.

Dear god, should he be horrified or thankful for that?

----------------

End chapter


	5. Chapter 5

_**On Frogs and Foxes**_

_**by: Madd Envy Freak**_

_**WARNINGS: LEMONS**_

_**---**_

_**Chapter Five: Discovery Channel Reruns**_

_**---**_

Jiraiya fell face first onto his mattress, groaning in agony. God was against him. The man upstairs was rubbing this whole thing in his face, pointing down at him, and yelling, "See, old man? This is what you get for writing porn! HA!"

Why did god hate him, you ask?

Well, the object of his utter pain and humiliation was bouncing around the room, cackling like an insane fox on crack.

He had that little blond figured out, all right.

He wasn't a nympho.

Or an exhibitionist.

He was a fucking COCK TEASE.

Hitting his face against the pillow, he attempted to drown out the random Discovery Channel show the blond brat had playing in the background. And that...song... again. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh...

And, of course, the song had to match the Discovery Channel program that was playing... Mating season in foxes. Figures.

_Ha-ha! Well now we call this the act of mating_

_But there are several other very important differences_

_Between human beings and animals that you should know about_

_I'd appreciate your input_

Life was incredibly unfair.

"Hey, old man!" The mattress caved slightly, and Jiraiya was alerted to a weight on his back, snuggling up against him.

"What, brat?"

Go away, evil temptation of man!

Jiraiya felt hot breath on his neck as Naruto rubbed up against him, "Play with me."

"Go away, brat..."

The blond made a pitiful keening sound in his ear, "Awwww, come on..."

"No."

Naruto retreated and straddled the older man's waist, running warm fingers over his back, "Why not? You were getting pretty involved before."

Jiraiya sighed heavily and retorted flatly, "I don't want a virgin cock-tease, kid. Go play with someone else before you get hurt."

The hands on his back stilled before they were retracted and the weight left his back, "...Fine."

Sighing in relief, Jiraiya stretched and crossed his arms for use as a pillow. Cracking one eye open, he watched the blonde cross the room and turn the radio off before pulling a silky white robe over his tan shoulders.

When Naruto turned again, his face was impassive. Slender hands tugged almost violently at the ties of the robe as he slipped his feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers and walked towards the door with a level of calm that nearly scared the white haired man.

"Where you going, brat?"

"Sasuke."

And he left.

And Jiraiya sat up and stared at the door.

Sasuke?

What the hell did that mean?

---

Naruto debated slamming the door behind him but decided against it. That would be childish. And a waste of his energy. Fists clenched at his sides, he schooled his expression and ignored the curious looks people were sending him. Stupid fucking people.

Stupid fucking old man.

What the hell did he know, anyway?

Naruto Uzumaki was no cock-tease! Sure, he liked playing around as much as the next guy, and a good joke here and there, but damn it, he was NOT a cock-tease. Bristling at the accusation, and the bitter, cliché-filled twinge of rejection, he marched down the hall.

Who did that damn old man think he was anyway? It wasn't like he went and molested every person he saw! Granted, he had the largest libido of anyone he ever met, but it wasn't like he was some teasing whore!

...Usually.

He paused at the door of one Sasuke Uchiha (he had seen the stalker come out of the room on the original day of stalking); he planted his feet firmly and slammed his fist loudly on the door. A moment later a disgruntled and sleepy looking black haired Uchiha opened the door and blinked at him.

---

_Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket_

_Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it_

_Hieroglyphics? Let me be specific I wanna be down in your South Seas_

_But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means small craft advisory_

_So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, b5 you sunk my battleship_

_Please turn me on I'm mister coffee with an automatic drip_

_So show me yours Ill show you mine tool time you'll lovett just like Lyle_

_And then well do it doggy style so we can both watch x-files_

He was listening to the brat's music. Rolling his eyes at the absurdness of the situation (was his room always so quiet?), he drummed his fingers against the desk, intent on writing.

Write, old man, write!

God, now he was even thinking like the brat!

_Sasuke_.

What the hell did he mean by that?

He couldn't write without knowing, damn it!

_Where you going, brat?_

_Sasuke._

_I don't want a virgin cock-tease, kid. Go play with someone else before you get hurt._

_...Fine._

_Sasuke._

_Where you going, brat?_

_...play with someone else..._

_Sasuke..._

Eyes popped open as he jumped up from his desk, knocking the small chair over.

Holy SHIT. The kid was going to go FUCK Sasuke?

No, no. The kid was just a virgin tease.

He wouldn't... actually...

Then again... he was pretty well versed in their fake-out humping session in the Hot Springs... Fuck.

FUCK, FUCK. He really WAS going to Sasuke!

Well, what did he care? Let the kid sex-up whoever he wanted.

_Oi, old man... Play with me._

But he HAD gone to him first...

And who was he to deny a poor, deprived, sex-crazed nympho his needs?

_Do it again now_

_You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals_

_So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel_

_Gettin horny now_

_---_

Sasuke had to be the worst kisser Naruto had ever kissed. His tongue was all over, and slimy, and so... not good. How could he let some novice like this, who had OBVIOUSLY never had anal before, fuck him? Sure, he liked a little pain... but, damn, he wasn't a fucking masochist!

Still, what other choice did he have? He needed to get laid so bad it _hurt_.

Damn overactive sex drive!

...and him without his medication.

DAMN YOU KARMA AND BAD MEMORY!

This is what he got for telling Tsunade she needed to get laid.

Bad, Naruto, BAD!

He felt like gagging when Sasuke shoved his hand down his pants.

This guy had NO skill.

He wanted Jiraiya, that old pervert, DAMN IT!

But his libido wanted sex, NOW, DAMN IT!

Why, oh why, couldn't he have both?

Just as Sasuke (the ultra-bad-in-bed-loser) was about to push him down onto the mattress, the door was shoved open so violently it was nearly ripped off its rice paper bound hinges.

There, in all his perverted glory, was Jiraiya.

What the...?

---

Jiraiya glared at the dark haired Uchiha as he stalked over, threw him off the blond, and proceeded to throw said blond over his shoulder, "Hands off, brat!"

Naruto blinked dumbly as he was marched away from the room by a huffing Jiraiya, "Uuuuuh, what are you doing, pervert?"

"WHAT do you think you were doing, brat?"

"...Getting laid?"

"Not with that little bastard you aren't!"

"Well, if you aren't going to supply it, old man, I'm going to go to someone that WILL."

Jiraiya scowled, "What the hell, brat? You'd go have sex with that?"

Naruto shrugged, "I'd rather not, but when my libido says sex, it means NOW. S'not my fault I forgot my meds at home."

Jiraiya fumbled with the door, "Meds?"

Brightly, Naruto chirped, "Yeah, apparently my brain emits some funky chemical that makes me a sex-addict. Sex is like crack to my brain."

And, once again, Jiraiya gave his thanks to a god he hadn't quite believed in before.

---

warning: LEMON. If you aren't old enough to read, don't tell anyone you did. ;)

---

Jiraiya was, as Naruto had expected, much better than Sasuke. The man had MAGIC fingers. Blue eyes rolling back as Jiraiya stripped him of his damnable robe and he laced his fingers in long white hair as the man ran a hot tongue over his tattooed stomach. Idly, his foggy brain wondered when the hell Jiraiya had gotten rid of his own clothes, but thanked the gods he did...

What a NICE ass.

If he wasn't so busy moaning he might have drooled. As it was, he _was_ too busy moaning to make a proper effort at drooling, so he decided to stick with said moaning. And, as that hot mouth took him into his mouth, Naruto was sure he was going to die from convulsions. But, damn, _what_ a way to go!

Gasping, Naruto's toes curled when Jiraiya pulled back, teeth running along his hard flesh. Fuck, he was going to start hyperventilating... With a frustrated growl, Naruto pulled the older man up and pressed their lips together, wrapping long, tanned legs around pale hips and arching up against him.

After a long moment of tongue battling, Jiraiya ended the kiss and bit onto Naruto's ear, growling, "Getting anxious, eh?"

"Shut up and fuck me, old man."

A deep chuckle was his only audible answer, but Jiraiya shifted and held his finger against Naruto's mouth, a silent command to suck. And Naruto obeyed. Once Jiraiya was sure his fingers were properly coated, he braced Naruto's legs over his shoulders and gently began to prod at Naruto's tight hole.

"Fuck..." Naruto hissed, bucking up against him, "Just shove it in already, I'm not going to break."

Narrowed eyes watched him smugly as that finger was finally (GOD YES, FINALLY!) pushed inside and Naruto arched up, pleading with his body for more contact.

Luckily for him, Jiraiya was gracious.

Quickly slipping his remaining two fingers inside, Jiraiya scissored his fingers, preparing the younger boy, and searching against the walls of the tight heat until he found what his skilled fingers were searching for.

"OH **_GOD_**!"

Heh.

Jiraiya smirked as he pulled his fingers out and shifted the blonde's legs apart further, guiding himself to the saliva-slicked hole, "Ready, brat?"

"Sh-shut up already, d-damn it!"

Bracing his much paler hands on slender hips, he pushed in against the tight barrier of muscles and growled softly as Naruto's body clamped around him.

The blonde gave a pitiful mewling sound, arching against him, moaning incoherently, "God... so... fuck... big... Jiraiya..."

Soft golden hands found his shoulder and pulled him down again, and Naruto shifted his legs farther apart to accommodate the larger man laying over him. Jiraiya pulled out slowly, and gently forced himself back in, setting a leisurely pace until the blonde was panting and groaning beneath him, fingers shifting from his shoulders in favor of tangling in his hair. Gradually, he increased his speed, hand snaking down to wrap around the boy's hard member as the other one teased an equally stiff nipple.

"J-Jiraiya... I--I, Oh GOD, I..."

Jiraiya pulled back to watch the blond as he came with a loud cry, his entire body jerking off the mattress as he spilled himself. Jiraiya bit back a groan as the muscles of the blonde's already vice like body clamed down around him, he gave a single, hard thrust and found his own release.

Naruto gave a soft chuckle as he laid there, panting, and rasped out, "See? W-Women have n-nothing on this, eh?"

Broad shoulders shook as Jiraiya laughed softly against the blonde's neck.

----

End Chapter

nn


	6. Chapter 6

_**On Frogs and Foxes**_

_**By: Madd Envy Freak**_

_**A/n: Sorry updating took so long... I've been sick, and I wanted to finish one of my other stories... blah blah blah... so, yeah. lol**_

_**---**_

_**Chapter Six: Like an Animal**_

_**---**_

They were late for their meeting.

Again.

"Damn it old man, hurry up!" Naruto snapped, tapping his foot impatiently by the door as Jiraiya tugged on his pants.

"Shut up, brat! It's not MY fault you wanted another round before we left!"

"I didn't hear you complaining..." Naruto huffed, turning his nose up at the old man.

Really, if the old man wasn't so damn good in bed, he would have gotten rid of him. But... damn... he was _definitely_ good in bed. So, alas, he must put up with slow morning habits.

"Hurry uuuuup, perveeeeeeeeeeeert!"

But that didn't mean he couldn't whine a little.

And make it the most grating and annoying sound on the face of the planet. Heh heh heh.

"Stupid brat..." Jiraiya grumbled as he grabbed their room key and adjusted his shirt for a final time, "Alright, lets go."

---

Tsunade was _not_ happy.

Orochimaru, however, was ecstatic and sent various 'haha, she's going to bitch at you' looks over to the two men getting bitched at by the big breasted woman.

Sasuke, the pompous little brat, was smirking over at them.

Apparently he looked at this as punishment and divine retribution for messing up his lay.

Jiraiya wanted nothing more than to beat the little shit up.

Cocky, arrogant little... _bastard_.

"Ah, sorry, grandma." Naruto cut in, scratching the back of his head nervously, "We had a little bit of an... Incident this morning."

"What kind of incident, brat?" Tsunade snapped, crossing her arms, eyebrow twitching violently.

"I ran out of medication." Naruto replied gravely.

Gold eyes widened slightly and Tsunade cursed under her breath, "Alright, brat, you're lucky Iruka sent you your other bottle..."

Big, innocent, blue uke-eyes looked up at her and the owner nodded with a sniff, wide orbs watering.

Tsunade was a sucker for the puppy dog eyes.

Jiraiya was thankful once again.

Naruto was: A. a nympho, and B. a good liar.

What a perfect little accomplice!

---

Naruto stared down at the frog, boredom plastered on his face as Jiraiya babbled on about why THIS frog was important, and ho they needed it to breed, blah blah blah.

Breed.

Heh. That sounded like a good idea.

NO! Naruto shook the thought from his head. Bad libido, BAD!

Right now is Naruto's working time; we can have the pervert molest us later. Ok?

Ok.

"--But he won't breed with any of the other frogs. Every time we move him into another cage, he tries to bite the one moving him. And, for a frog without teeth, the bastard's bite hurts." Jiraiya nodded to himself, absentmindedly rubbing his hand.

Naruto made a random sound in agreement, moving to look at the other female frogs. If he were a frog, which would he like...?

Too small...

Too pink...

...Too... slimy... ew.

Ugh, did that one have an eye problem?

Nasty.

Hello! Naruto eyed the temperamental, large female.

Green. Warty. Slimy without being overly so, and big, glossy frogeyes! She was like, the goddess of fat frogs! An Aphrodite of Amphibians! Nodding to himself, he scooped up the frog (who gave an indignant croak of annoyance) and carried the heavy female back to the glass cage where Jiraiya was still babbling.

"--And if he doesn't breed, the university will drop our funding, and--"

"Oi, old man."

The old man looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow, "Brat, what are you doing with that frog?"

"She's going to mate with it."

"...Kid, that's not even the same species."

"So? You're an old pervert, and I'm a uke-sex-God. We still had sex. You should think outside the box more." With that said, the blond dropped the frog into the cage, next to an equally annoyed Gamabunta.

The frogs stared at each other.

And stared.

Then the female kicked poor Gamabunta in the face with a webbed foot. The large male blinked dumbly as the female frog gave a superior croak and hopped to the other side of the cage.

They could practically see the little hearts in Gamabunta's eyes as he hopped over to the female.

"See, he likes her."

"...You are a weird kid, brat."

Naruto shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking around the room, "Yeah, well, apparently your frog Gamabunta is a masochist. Anyway, that was all we had to do for the day, right? Get this thing to breed?"

Suspicious eyes narrowed, "Yes...?"

Blue eyes, no longer holding any of the innocence they had when talking with Tsunade, turned to him, a mischievous gleam in their depths; "so, we have this whole place to ourselves...?"

"...Yeah..."

Jiraiya watched, suspicion growing by the minute as Naruto made a show of looking around as he walked to the door, opening it and checking the hallways. Once he was apparently pleased with his finding, he shut the door and locked it with a sharp 'click.'

Slowly, the blond turned around and drawled lazily, "Silly Tsunade, she forgot to give me that bottle of medication..." Naruto sighed dramatically, laying back against the door, arms above his head, reveling a smooth expanse of golden skin, "Whatever shall we do?"

The older man chuckled and pushed himself away from the cage, leering at the blond.

---

"I can't believe you forgot Mana's mice in the research room!" Tsunade snapped, glaring at the black haired men.

"My apologies, Tsunade-san."

Tsunade snorted, eyes narrowed viciously, "Don't let it happen again, idiot."

Orochimaru rolled his eyes subtly at the woman as she twisted the handle of the large door, frowning when it wouldn't open, "What is it, Tsunade-san?"

"Damn thing won't open." She muttered, fishing through her pockets for a set of keys, and blinking when she came across a small bottle of medication. Shrugging, and mentally reminding herself to give it to the brat later, she pulled out her recently found set of keys and jammed them into the lock, pulling the door open.

Two bodies, tangled helplessly, came crashing to the floor when the door they were apparently leaning on gave in.

"N-Naruto, Jiraiya?!"

Naruto and Jiraiya looked up and blinked dumbly at the three staring at them, "Uh, hi?"

Gold eyes narrowed and the broad shoulder's of the woman shook as she started screeching at them for apparent 'inappropriate' behavior, and once again Orochimaru turned away to stop himself from ogling the half-naked blond.

Sasuke twitched and vowed to kill Jiraiya so he could get that blond ass for himself.

Damn old men getting all the good fucks.

----------------

End.

Just to warn you, I have NO clue where this is going... lol


	7. Chapter 7

On Frogs and Foxes

By: Madd Envy Freak

A/N: to the no explicit crap rule: See the rating? M. M stands for MATURE. If you're too young to read this stuff, don't go bitching that your young innocent eyes have been tainted. There are lemons. LOTS of Lemons. Don't like it, read the warnings and DON'T READ. --

Madd Envy Freak is a proud supporter OF LEMONS ON Hey… I should make a banner for that… heh heh heh

---

Chapter Seven: Sugar Sweet Foxy Treat

---

"Did you see the look on the old hag's face?" Naruto cackled, rolling around on the bed, his bathrobe falling from one tan shoulder as he clutched his stomach.

Jiraiya scowled and readjusted his ice pack. He and his black eye didn't think it was very funny.

At all.

Naruto, however, apparently did.

"Brat…" Jiraiya muttered under his breath as he sat down with a heavy huff onto his own bed.

The blond paused to look over at the black and blue old man before giggling again, "You look like you got the shit beat out of you in a gang war!"

"…Tsunade did it, it's pretty damn close." Jiraiya drawled, laying back and yawning.

Naruto giggled some more as he bounced over to Jiraiya's bed, crawling over him to sit on his groin, "Not going to bed already are you, old man?" He asked innocently, tilting his head to the side.

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

Everyone knew the blond didn't have an innocent bone in his sex-crazed body.

Especially when he was sitting on your package.

Nothing the little vixen did wasn't planned out to work to his perverted advantage.

"What of it, brat?"

Naruto pouted, tracing little circles onto Jiraiya's broad chest, "I just thought we could have some fun before we go to bed, since that mean old lady interrupted us."

Jiraiya took a deep, calming breath as the blond rocked his hips, that innocent smile still tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"You really are a horny little brat, aren't you?" he growled, hands moving up to tug on the robe's tie.

Naruto just purred and shrugged the white material off, leaving him in short orange boxers, before moving his own hands down to tug at the older man's pajama pants.

And, as always, fate intervened.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.

In the form of a telephone.

Naruto roared savagely and ripped the phone from its cradle, his sexual frustration making him snarl out like a horny, wild beast, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?! I'M TRYING TO GET LAID HERE!!!"

There was a moment's pause and what sounded like yelling from the other end.

Naruto blink and handed Jiraiya the phone with an apologetic smile, "It's Tsunade."

And God officially hated him.

That or this was karmic payment for having the adorably molestable blond as a bed partner.

Damn equivalent exchange…

What was this, Fullmetal Alchemist?

---

Jiraiya hung up the phone, blinking dumbly at it.

What… the… Hell…

"What's up, old man?" Naruto asked, frowning.

"The university is pulling the funding of one of the projects." He muttered flatly, falling back onto the bed.

Blue eyes widened as the blond crawled over to him, "What? No fucking way! Can they do that?"

Jiraiya grunted.

"Those assholes! I'll kick their asses! Believe it!" Naruto declared, jumping up and pumping a fist into the air, "Come on, old man! Back to the lab!"

Jiraiya looked up at him blankly, "Eh?"

"Well, we aren't going down without a fight! Let's go do some fund-gaining research!"

And thus, the bewildered half naked old man allowed himself to be pulled out of the room by an equally half naked blond.

---

"Its locked." Naruto said, blinking dumbly at the large, rather locked doors.

Jiraiya shivered in the cold, "Of course it is, moron, it's after hours!"

"Oh."

"Dumb ass…" Jiraiya growled, trudging back to the hotel.

---

The following sex-less morning provided Jiraiya with a bouncy, anxious Naruto.

"Hurry up, old man!" He whined.

"…I liked you better when you were horny…" Jiraiya muttered to himself as he tugged on his coat. Wondering if maybe the blond was indeed taking those pills Tsunade gave him.

He'd have to throw those out when Naruto wasn't looking.

Naruto retaliated by throwing an empty shampoo bottle at him as he continued to bounce around.

When they had finally gotten around to leaving, it was snowing.

And below fucking zero degrees (A/N: Fahrenheit! Down with Celsius!). Walking out in the cold, frozen streets of Tokyo made Naruto feel very much like a foreign Eskimo. Sure, he had a lot of love for Eskimos and their nose kissing thing, but, damn it; he was freezing his hot little ass off! His was a body for display, for hot and sunny beaches, for having wild naked love in a public bathroom because it was always fun nearly getting caught—he was NOT made for snow, damn it!

And he made sure Jiraiya knew it too.

"I hate this snooooow!" He whined, pouting up at the white haired man.

Jiraiya grunted in annoyance and wrapped his arms tighter around himself.

He wouldn't admit it, but he wasn't too fond of the damn cold either.

Finally, after hours of trekking through the frosty streets they reached the laboratory.

"FINALLY!" Naruto cried, bounding into the electrically heated building, nearly knocking down several people in his way on his quest to the first available heater, a frantic, "MOVE, BITCH!" the only sensible thing coming from frost bitten lips.

"He's manic today."

Jiraiya gulped and turned to the towering, big-breasted woman with a guilty grin, "Yeah… WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX! HONEST!" And cowered for his life.

Tsunade snorted and folded her arms, "Well, if you two were here on time, you'd know the university has already made their decision."

Naruto was there in a heart beat.

Jiraiya and Tsunade wondered how he moved so fast.

"What?! Who's getting kicked out?"

Jiraiya swore under his breath when Tsunade sent them an apologetic smile, "Orochimaru wants your things out in an hour."

---

This was utter crap. Complete and utter CRAP.

Naruto glared under his bangs at the pompous Uchiha who was watching him pack up the last of their equipment with a predatory, superior sneer, "What are you staring at, Bastard?"

The sneer turned into a leer.

Naruto wanted to wipe it off with his fist.

"You know, dobe, I think we could work out some kind of a deal…"

Naruto's eyes narrowed, "What kind of a deal?"

He didn't like that condescending, arrogant smirk.

Not one bit.

---

Jiraiya huffed angrily, "Damn bastard."

Orochimaru laughed a vicious, snake-like laugh, "Come now Jiraiya, surely you aren't going to blame this on me?"

"You bribed the last funding committee, why not this one?" A pale lip curled coldly, "What is it this time, you snake? Jealous Naruto would fuck me and not you?"

Gold eyes narrowed and Jiraiya smirked.

"Uzumaki is a common whore. He'd bed anything that moves."

A large, fat frog sailed out of nowhere and smacked Orochimaru in the back of the head with a violent war cry. Seconds later, the same frog hoped over to a pissed off looking blond carrying another fatter female in his arms.

"You're wrong, snake face." Naruto sneered, eyes flashing, "A whore would fuck anybody-I wouldn't let YOU fuck me with a ten foot pole, fucker." He paused and smirked, "Tell that to your assistant when he wakes up."

With that, the blond turned on his heel and strutted out, Gamabunta following with what could have been an arrogant croak.

Jiraiya laughed to himself as he followed.

Naruto: 1

Orochimaru: 0

Sasuke: -2

--------------------

END CHAPTER


	8. Chapter 8

On Frogs and Foxes

By: Madd Envy Freak

A/N: um… not much… yeah. lol

---

Chapter Eight: Revenge is Best Served Cold

---

Naruto Uzumaki was pissed.

And when Naruto Uzumaki is pissed…

Bad things happen to people.

VERY bad things.

A devious, and remarkably evil, grin spread on his face as he stopped his stalking around the hotel room, sharp and mischievous eyes darting over to the phone.

Inside of his mind he was cackling in a deranged fashion, and if anyone could have heard said cackling… they may have thought the blond to be mentally unstable.

And perhaps he was.

But that was beside the point.

This was perfect.

Bloody fucking PERFECT.

The old man was busy fighting for their 'cause' with the board of directors (like that would do anything), so it left the impish blond to his own devices… and Orochimaru the ugly snake man wasn't the ONLY one with connections around Tokyo.

And the man he was about to call… hell, he could put the entire Yakuza to shame with his vindictive evilness… the blood-obsessed man turned business typhoon would be one of several perfect additions to his plotting.

---

Pale jade eyes glared at the blonde woman as she poked her head in through his door.

"What is it, Temari."

Now, Gaara Sabaku wasn't an evil person anymore. Anymore being the keyword. Several years ago, in his pre-Naruto-lifetime, he had been an evil, conniving bastard and a monster of a man. With a deranged love of blood. In his post-Naruto-lifetime he was… well, a conniving business man with a love of making people squirm… which was a completely different kind of evil, but again, we digress and have to go back to topic.

Gaara wasn't an evil maniac anymore.

He was a brilliant business man, and his dearest friend (and occasional bed mate) often used that to his advantage.

The redhead often wondered if perhaps Naruto had planned it that way.

"Naruto Uzumaki is on line one."

Shrugging to himself, he took up his phone and drawled lazily, "What is it, Uzumaki?"

The voice that replied back to him was sugar sweet, and drenched in foxy and evil intentions. A shiver ran down the stoic male's spine and he smirked.

That was what he loved about Naruto…

He always offered him a way to make people miserable.

"Ever hear of a guy named Sasuke Uchiha…?"

…Wait.

Uchiha… Uchiha… why did that name sound familiar? Jade eyes widened and narrowed, a pale hand clamping down on the phone until it nearly cracked.

"Sasuke Uchiha… Itachi Uchiha's brother?"

"…Yeah…?"

Oh yes, Gaara had heard of him. In fact, they went to pre-school together. That bastard Uchiha was a spoiled asshole even then… the arrogant raven haired inbred JACKASS had stolen his ice cream on snack day.

And Gaara never forgets.

The Uchiha was going DOWN.

---

Naruto put down the phone with a victorious grin. One down, two more to go. He rubbed his hands together and cracked his neck, flipping through his phone-contacts for the second name on his revenge-inducing-evil-ninja-plot-making list.

---

Jiraiya sulked back into the hotel room later that day, down trotted and angsty. He was right… that damn Orochimaru had bribed the committee! It was only frigging obvious. He slammed the door shut and stomped to his bed, pausing in his tirade to stare at the evil looking blond.

Who was suddenly very scary.

"Brat… what the hell are you doing?"

Naruto glanced up from his cell phone and motioned him to be quiet, and turned back to speak into the receiver, "You got all that, Shika? Yeah, just call Kiba and tell him to meet me down there. Thanks man, I owe you one. Bye."

The blond set the phone down and looked up at Jiraiya with an innocent smile.

That showed off two sharp little fang like canines and made him look more demonic than innocent.

Jiraiya felt a shudder run up his spine.

And suddenly, he was afraid. Very, very afraid.

"I'll be going out for a little while, old man. Don't wait up."

Jiraiya didn't ask.

It was better not to.

He sure as hell didn't want to go to jail if the blond got caught doing whatever _obviously_ illegal things he was plotting.

---

It wasn't hard to get the dog loving male to help him out. After all, Kiba had always loved their days of misadventure and mischief when they were back in high school. Naruto himself had a certain sense of nostalgia concerning the pranks he used to pull on his frustrated teachers.

So, of course, Kiba was already there waiting with a deranged, wolfish grin on his face and his dog sitting at his heels.

"You ready?" Naruto asked with a matching mischievous smirk, tugging on his black gloves.

Kiba grinned and gave him a thumb up with his own gloved fingers, "Yup. Lazy ass just called and told me he hacked into the security system and the surveillance cameras will be down for one hour."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow, "An hour?"

Kiba shrugged, looking affronted, "Lazy Bastard thinks we're getting rusty in our old age."

"Well," Naruto drawled as Kiba picked the lock effortlessly, "We'll just have to prove him wrong, eh?"

Akamaru barked in agreement as Kiba smirked.

Orochimaru and Sasuke-bitch were about to learn why you never messed with New York gangsta-ninja!

…Gangninja. Ha-ha. He should get that copywrited.

"Oh, and he wants to show us something new he came up with in his graphics editing class." Kiba added with a smirk as he held the door open for his blond accomplice.

---

Orochimaru's eyes twitched.

The lab…

Was…

Was…

RUINED.

Mice scampered all over the floor, and his large snake was hanging from a ceiling fan hissing and spitting at the poor workers who were trying to get it down. What was worse, was that all the cages had been turned over and the files all messed up… the room was in disarray.

Sasuke chocked back a scream as one of the smaller snakes brushed against his leg with a hiss as it chased a random mouse.

The owner of the laboratory, one of the few men Orochimaru hadn't bothered to bribe, looked beyond pissed, "What the hell is this? Your lab area is a disaster!"

"This was not us!" Sasuke snapped, paling as he edged away from a poisonous snake that was weaving towards them.

"Really? Well, that's an interesting thing to say considering we have you wrecking this on tape!" The old man snapped viciously.

"That's ridiculous! Why would we trash our own—wait, did you say TAPE?" Orochimaru hissed.

The old man nodded angrily.

And they were indeed on said tape.

---

Naruto, Kiba, and Shikamaru watched the double of their vandalizing tape on Shikamaru's computer screen in awe. It was amazing how the man could edit the movie and make it Sasuke and Orochimaru doing all that interesting stuff…

Shikamaru sure was a friggin genius.

And Naruto told him that as he made a show of humping his leg as Kiba looked on, laughing his ass off.

Ah, just like the old days.

Good times, good times…

---

Jiraiya gaped across the table at the new committee members. What had happened to the old ones, you ask? Well, the new company interested in becoming a sponsor of the research committee, Sabaku Industries, had done a thorough background check and damn near all of the former members were sacked for various… misbehaviors.

Wide eyes looked over at the innocently smiling blond who sat next to him, humming childishly and then back to the committee--a deranged looking youth with blood red hair, a lazy looking man with pineapple hair, a wild looking teen with a dog sitting on his head, and the old hag herself, Tsunade.

Orochimaru and Sasuke sat across from them getting bitched out.

Naruto grinned and propped his face in his hands happily, three fat frogs hopping around in a cage by his feet; a fat male, a fatter female, and their little baby, Gamakichi, properly named by Naruto.

Jiraiya shook his head and leaned back in his chair. It was best not to question his good luck.

He had a sexy assistant.

A kick ass new laboratory supplied by the new committee which was fucking loaded.

A new race of frog with internal breeding.

Sasuke had a black eye.

Orochimaru had a prude, bratty assistant.

And Orochimaru and Sasuke were up for review for unethical behavior.

Yeah, life was good.

Jiraiya: 5

Orochimaru: -2

Sasuke: -4.

----------

The eeeennnddd! Yes, of the fic! Woot! I may put up a few more random chapters eventually, but this is pretty much the end. I've got an idea for a couple other fics I wanna start working on, so, on with that!


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